NINETY TWO

“Use your words”. This is what I have been telling you, haven’t I? You think I am kidding. That’s why you avoid taking my advice seriously. That is evident. Now, stop doing that and please listen to me. Women do not like men who can’t talk. I am not asking you to become a chatterbox, I am asking you to show that you are a matured adult and can hold a logical , pragmatic, conversation on different topics. That brings me to 3 other things, one must read enough of literature and current affairs to be able to have a conversation, which i think you do, two, conversation cannot happen with monosyllabic answers, they mean you are not interested or plain dumb, three, a decent vocabulary helps. In fact, I can go so far as to say, in my experience, Never underestimate the seductive power of a decent vocabulary. If you are not reading enough of literature, and not that Chetan Bhagat crap, good literature, classic literature, if you are not watching good movies, you are digging yourself into a early intellectual well with no way out. So, read and just don’t keep that reading to yourself, talk about it, discuss it, bring your reading into your conversation. Stop looking like a poster boy. The branded clothes, the expensive watch and the 70000 INR phone works well, till you open your mouth and all that comes out is random words, incoherent sentences and zero opinions. Have an opinion, don’t be afraid to defend it? Don’t argue, have a conversation. There is nothing wrong with being intelligent, unfortunately in today’s world intelligence is measured by designation or salary or bank balance. Also intellectual pursuits are trivialized when held up against the all important material possessions. So, having a collection of good books is ignored and the point of discussion is about owning the new phone or the LED Tv. Mind you, I am not saying I have a problem with worldly possession. Hell! i want the worldly possessions but not at the expense of losing my intellectual possessions.

So don’t be like the imbecile in the mercedes at the traffic light blaring some punjabi song though his 1000 watt system. Be better than the Gucci flaunting dumbass at the multiplex who uses abusive slang to give instructions for his popcorn to be delivered to his seats. Don’t be that guy who thinks speaking in English defines someones value and position in the society. Stop being the random guys we see on the street, at work, in a bar, in the mall. Be better than them. If you want to emulate a hero, do it by all meand but do it intelligently. And that doesn’t mean emulating the face, the body, the swag. Well, if you have them, good for you but along with that have some brains. Be a SRK not a Salman Khan, be a Justin Trudeau not a Trump. Learn to speak, and if you already know how to, hold a decent conversation with friends, colleagues and women, yes, women. Women you like, women who you hope will like you. Try that. And stop winning that you don’t have a girl friend.

 

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THE END

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NINETY ONE

Is there a word which describes how I feel about Men in general? Probably not. Or may be I don’t know it. And no I was not thinking of the word ‘feminist’. Everything about them is horrible.  Yes now you see this post is going to be a rant  I have tried my best not to rant on this blog but let’s just say being married to a man makes it difficult not to rant. So here are my top 5 pet peeves about Men:

  1. I simply cannot understand the latest obsession with facial hair.  These beards and stubble and moustache and what not are too damn icky. I have always known men who I have admired to be clean shaven. And this latest trend does not translate well when followed by normal everyday men walking around in your local market. I have been told by some that adding those horrible facial hair makes these men look more matured or whatever else they need to be like. But I think it just makes them look unkempt. The well groomed men with those fancy hair do or beard are models and since you are basically in a different rat race following them blindly makes you look like a dirty mice.
  2. From the facial hair I come to hairy legs. Why wear shorts when neither do you have good legs nor the height or looks to carry them off. Just because you watch American television where men wear shorts at home and outside doesn’t mean you should wear them to local market, mall or movies. If you aren’t in shape please don’t make us cringe with the vision of those hairy bow legs. And there I am body shamming men.
  3. Skinny jeans and narrow trousers do not fit everyone with different body types. So buy fashion that suits you. Just because you have seen people team darker colors with beige / brown pants doesn’t mean you should. Also a green short with brown pants makes you look like a tree. If you don’t understand color stick to what you are comfortable.  It will.make you boring but not a fashion disaster. And as you get to your middle age for heavens sake stop wearing round neck T’s with that pot belly. Basically get better advice on your wardrobe. Too many men think they look great in their pointy toe shoes. No they don’t.  They remind me of jesters. 
  4. If you have never expanded your horizon to good books please don’t quote Chetan Bhagat. He is a foolish man who makes you all look extra level dumb. Same goes for movies. If your level is Sultan don’t quote Jurassic Park. You haven’t watched Casablanca or sound of music there is soemthing lacking in your upbringing. I am judging you. If you can’t speak one complete sentence in English and try to inform me that you are VP of some start up, I’m rolling my eyes and walking away. If you do own a decent vocabulary and still insist on being monosyllabic you are basically dumb.men should read more , watch better movies, learn more and not rest on their big cars and bank balances to be seen as attractive or eligible hell even worth out time.
  5.  The last one is simple.  We all know you dont really like pink or supprt femibists. You snigger behind womens back. Call them names. Any woman  except your mother and sister is a slutty, whore, fat, ugly, bitch, etc etc.   Stop being imbeciles and juvenile.  Grow a pair of whatever you need to grow and feel your emotions, talk about them, express them don’t bottle them up. Because after a while we will stop wondering and caring what you are thinking. And that is what’s happening all around you. While you are busy judging women’s morality we are forgetting to bother about your existence. So wake up and stop being a man. Be a human being.

And if you can’t open much about the above just doesn’t out. You know go extinct. Like the dodo. It will probably save the planet more than planting 10000 saplings. 

Anyone else feel that way.

THE END

NINETY 

You have to come up the stairs, go through the security check and then you will see me. I am waiting here. I turn back and enter the glass door wondering whether you will be able to find your way. I had specifically told you not to take the parking entry and come from the front facade. Now you are lost somewhere in the labyrinth of offices in this business Park. Should I go out to find you? Why should I serves you right for not following instructions ! Wonder where you are, let me check at the security point, I turn around to step out and someone else is walking in so I stop in my steps and then I see her. Well, correction, I see you walk in, you look compeltely different, like oh my God what did I miss, different. I can’t read that expression on your face. You look at me evenly. Yet somehow there is something more in your eyes. I can’t help my eyes slip away for a quick look at the rest of you. You look gorgeous, totally different from what I have seen. That’s whatbi want to say as i think it. But i don’t. This is like version 2.0. I do want to linger on taking in the new you but I know you hate when men do not keep eye contact. You say Good Morning, I can’t help smiling realising I have had to pull away my eyes and make eye contact. I cover that up with a Good Afternoon. I think you lost your composure for a second and looked away. I know you had seen me check you out but suddenly I wasn’t afraid. I knew what was happening. You playing a game. Before i can get in one more word you shrug your shoulder and walk ahead slower than usual. Well at least now I can admire you walking away. Yup that’s your plan all along. It’s quite evident.  I try to think of something funny nor smart to say but in my head that one moment was burned in. You walking in and how you looked and that unreadable expression. Are you angry? Are you pissed? What is it? My stomach has a strange feeling. Every little memory of the night escapes from the locked box in my head into my eyes. I got to keep a straight face.

After that very annoying conversation last time this you, New you is mind boggling and I am stunned. What’s going on in your mind?

I’m clueless. Where is this going?

THE END 

EIGHTY NINE

Yup, I saw that, didn’t I? Your eyes widened for that millionth of a second and there was a flicker of astonishment and amusement at the same time. You hadn’t seen me walk in but just as you turned towards the door I was right there in  your line of sight. And that’s when your eyes said so much and so little all at the same time. My nature is to avoid making eye contact but this time I knew I was going to look into your eyes and see something, anything.

I think I blinked first when I said “Good morning” with a plastic smile on my face and you caught me off guard with your “Good Afternoon”. I fumbled losing the eye contact but just before this I saw your eyes glide over me head to toe. What was there in that glide over? A bit of the aforementioned amusement and astonishment and may be a tiny little interest. You recovered at the same time I did. So we made eye contact again. And an amused smile spread from your lips to eyes with mine about to respond.  But I shrugged my shoulder and walked ahead letting you catch me walk away from you and the rest of view, as they say.

So who won that round fella? 

You say.

I think right now we are 2-1. The first time you took me by surprise and i lost a point somewhere in between the ‘beginning to like you’ and ‘we can’t be friends’, but don’t you worry I have been around longer than you and played this game more often.  Let’s see who breaks the impasse first.  And I can promise you I won’t make it easy for you.

TO BE CONTINUED …