EIGHTY SEVEN

I’m still thinking about you. I guess you don’t know that. I doubt you even think of me. There you go. Even in doubt there is the hope that may be when the loudness of the world has receded at night. When the quiet solitude takes over; just for a flicker of a second my face flashes in your mind’s eye. Your thoughts disappear when life takes over. But when  there is no more thoughts left, this one thing lingers on my mind. The thought of you looking at me from the distance through your prescription glasses with that half a smile hanging off your lips.

That’s how I am going to remember you for life isn’t it? There is nothing more left with me but that memory. Strange how even in the days now social media and camera phones I still have to rely upon my memory of you sitting across the table. You looked at me through those glasses squinting a bit in the dimly lit room. I can almost hear the music playing in the background. I can’t remember what song it was. But I remember every time we would go down to the pub, they would play that song. Strange how one associates good memories with songs. Come to think of it, is this the good memory I have you? May be. Yes, I think out of the several memories I have of us spending time together what haunts me are those eyes looking at me. They had some questions in them, I wasn’t interested in answering them. Because I was too afraid. Yes I was young and afraid.

I was slow. I was stupid.

May be we were friends, lovers, companions,  the definitions felt too constricting.

Perhaps I will remember the evening when we walked on the river bank watching the moon rise and shine across the dark waters. Or how easily a 2 min update about your day 0 placement became a 20 mins conversation.
No may be I won’t remember any of these.

I may only remember how I held your head as you sobbed and your garbled words of apology mixed in the cold crispness of a winter night. I may remember how you held my hand and said it’s just been 2 hours, stay for 15 mins more at midnight. I may even remember time when you looked into my eyes like there was no tomorrow and all my worries were negated by your one word and the night would melt into morning.

But the world is cruel and so is time and we are each responsible for the seeds of misfortune we sow thus, all I can remember now is you stepping away from me and your words like daggers ripping through my soul. ” I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”