NINETY FOUR

Each day goes by and I keep procrastinating this post , many such posts that will bring this blog to a close. About 2 months ago I was  7 posts away from completing this blog. That hasn’t changed much. I have had several occasion to write a post but have left it for too late. My new found muse left me as suddenly as it found me. So I am back struggling to write a post that is more meaningful than just randomly scribbling. A few things have been on my mind. One of them is how to close this blog? What should my last post be? What are the topics I would like to cover on my way to that 100th post? 

Ideally in the utopian world I would have written about my visit to Chandigarh and Punjab that left an indelible impression on me. But too much time has gone by and I can’t bring myself to remember the days or nights spent there. I would similarly want to write  about my expedition to Rishikesh where I went to do River Rafting ( my first experience with Adventure sports) but the feelings that were so intense post the experience have now been blunted. I am afraid now whatever I write will not do justice to the original emotional experience. I could express my political opinion on demonetization but I feel too tired to spend any time rehashing what has already been repeated.  I do want to talk about my struggle with managing my weight. My recent tryst with Chikunguniya or the latest attempt to live healthy.  

Yet I write about nothing.  Everything seems all too insignificant once the moment passes. Have I become cynical ? May be my ability to write has dwindled with my ability to feel emotionally invested in everyday life. So on one hand I am better off not losing my peace over small incidents and at the same time I simply cannot write. 

Emotions have been my true source of writing. I have  had to feel something for the subject to be able to write.  Whether it is about Sherlock or Doctor Who or about Agatha Christie, there is some eemotional connect. I worry that pretending not to care has left me unable to write . 
May be I’ll write up on some of the topics I have been thinking about . May be I will end this blog this year. Here’s hoping that plans get executed.

THE END . 

NINETY THREE

Year ends, Durga Pujo, my birthday makes me nostalgic. My nostalgia has always stemmed from melancholy, a sense of loneliness amidst the festivity. This time it is both the Pujo and my birthday that makes me nostalgic. Nostalgia is a doluble edged sword because what we remember from long ago is usually tinted with our own  desires and wishes. And then there are people who read too much into what you wrote. If you post on social media some random friend will ask you what’s wrong. If you write a blog someone who follows it ( surreptitiously) will be offended. Someone else will wonder what is going on with your life.  The thing is being a romantic has its perks, I can  look at things with tinted red eye glasses but sometimes when I look back at life I see it through some sepia tinted glasses. And in that not everything is bright, some are yellow with frayed edges turning grey, like a flower kept inside a book for long loses its color and becomes the color of the old pages of the book. That’s what happens to our memories. I find it hard these days to differentiate between one memory and another , often my mind meanders through different timelines in my life. Perhaps that’s what it means to grow old. 

Recently someone said to me that they were suddenly made aware that they were 31 years old. I chuckled.  I found it funny. I tried to think how old I feel. I always thought I would feel like 18 but turns out being 18 wasn’t all that good, although Bryan Adams still tries to convince me. But I feel myself to be at that age between 25 – 26. That time when I had made my shares of mistakes and I had thought I would never repeat them. You see now I know that I would repeat them and I also know I would survive them. So, now my knowledge makes me stronger to say yes when I know saying yes means facing yet another heartache. Over the years life has taught me more lessons about heartache that  I cared to learn. In fact I still feel they should include Relationship as one subject instead of Trigonometry at school. I mean sin, cos and all those theorems sure as hell didn’t help me when  I needed it. May be some do’s and don’t’s would have helped. But the now 30 something 26 year old likes to feel the small thrills of old music, old pics, old friends , New people ( read interesting folks) and that doesn’t make this a bad time of my life either. 

I suddenly realise I do not have the same fears of a 26 year old. And that can be liberating. It can make you feel blissful, take off a few burdens from your back, let you breath easy, enjoy your life, take it easy, smile more, and like someone said just enjoy.

I mustn’t forget it does make for wonderful day dreams too. 

So here I am turning some 30 something having started this year feeling like 40 something  ( bad influences ) now I’m back to myself. I am still the same, somewhat less damaged and confused, somewhat eager to be the oldgirl ( living up to her nickname and self image), who was “adulting” for a while. What is life if not lived in madness, Passion, in search of love and meaning of life? ! 

As I bring home this 100 days of scribbling blog, I am again beginning to look inwards than outwards for my inspiration to write, to live, to love… and in borrowed words,

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”



THE END.

NINETY ONE

Is there a word which describes how I feel about Men in general? Probably not. Or may be I don’t know it. And no I was not thinking of the word ‘feminist’. Everything about them is horrible.  Yes now you see this post is going to be a rant  I have tried my best not to rant on this blog but let’s just say being married to a man makes it difficult not to rant. So here are my top 5 pet peeves about Men:

  1. I simply cannot understand the latest obsession with facial hair.  These beards and stubble and moustache and what not are too damn icky. I have always known men who I have admired to be clean shaven. And this latest trend does not translate well when followed by normal everyday men walking around in your local market. I have been told by some that adding those horrible facial hair makes these men look more matured or whatever else they need to be like. But I think it just makes them look unkempt. The well groomed men with those fancy hair do or beard are models and since you are basically in a different rat race following them blindly makes you look like a dirty mice.
  2. From the facial hair I come to hairy legs. Why wear shorts when neither do you have good legs nor the height or looks to carry them off. Just because you watch American television where men wear shorts at home and outside doesn’t mean you should wear them to local market, mall or movies. If you aren’t in shape please don’t make us cringe with the vision of those hairy bow legs. And there I am body shamming men.
  3. Skinny jeans and narrow trousers do not fit everyone with different body types. So buy fashion that suits you. Just because you have seen people team darker colors with beige / brown pants doesn’t mean you should. Also a green short with brown pants makes you look like a tree. If you don’t understand color stick to what you are comfortable.  It will.make you boring but not a fashion disaster. And as you get to your middle age for heavens sake stop wearing round neck T’s with that pot belly. Basically get better advice on your wardrobe. Too many men think they look great in their pointy toe shoes. No they don’t.  They remind me of jesters. 
  4. If you have never expanded your horizon to good books please don’t quote Chetan Bhagat. He is a foolish man who makes you all look extra level dumb. Same goes for movies. If your level is Sultan don’t quote Jurassic Park. You haven’t watched Casablanca or sound of music there is soemthing lacking in your upbringing. I am judging you. If you can’t speak one complete sentence in English and try to inform me that you are VP of some start up, I’m rolling my eyes and walking away. If you do own a decent vocabulary and still insist on being monosyllabic you are basically dumb.men should read more , watch better movies, learn more and not rest on their big cars and bank balances to be seen as attractive or eligible hell even worth out time.
  5.  The last one is simple.  We all know you dont really like pink or supprt femibists. You snigger behind womens back. Call them names. Any woman  except your mother and sister is a slutty, whore, fat, ugly, bitch, etc etc.   Stop being imbeciles and juvenile.  Grow a pair of whatever you need to grow and feel your emotions, talk about them, express them don’t bottle them up. Because after a while we will stop wondering and caring what you are thinking. And that is what’s happening all around you. While you are busy judging women’s morality we are forgetting to bother about your existence. So wake up and stop being a man. Be a human being.

And if you can’t open much about the above just doesn’t out. You know go extinct. Like the dodo. It will probably save the planet more than planting 10000 saplings. 

Anyone else feel that way.

THE END

EIGHTY FOUR

So I sat down to watch the cricket match between India and Pakistan in the ongoing Asia Cup. What a disappointment it was to realise that Asia Cup is now a T20 game. Don’t get me wrong I like my IPL but Asia Cup of the legends was a 50 over ODI. And I certainly cribbed enough about it. But what irked me more was Kohli playing well. I have to confess I dislike Kohli. The dislike  is more like hate and less like irritation. If anyone asked me what is the reason for this I wouldn’t be able to give a logical reason.  The dislike is just there. Every time I see him I just feel an intense desire to slap him. I tried to understand why I dislike him so much. I just can’t seem to tolerate him. Somehow he makes me angry.  His body language makes me angry. He may be a nice guy and a good player but every time I read about him all I hear is about his aggression and his passion and blah blah. Somehow he seems to me to be like this testosterone fuelled dumb bell pumping tattoo sporting crass fellow sitting in his car playing loud music at any Delhi signal.  I don’t know whether it is my dislike for the  Delhites that’s tainting my vision but Kohli just makes me wanna punch him in the face.
I am sure he wouldn’t mind getting  into a but of fight because he is always raring to pick a fight and rough up people. Remember his abusive behavior at an unknown journalist because he can’t remember faces and imagines all journalist to be same.
I am one of those people whose love for cricket began and ended with the Tendulkar -Ganguly -Dravid.  They were the good guys , the gentlemen of the game. Not withstanding Ganguly’s shirtless antics. They were what we associated with quiet determination and whole lot of attitude without it being crude. But I guess those days are gone. Today’s society is filled with the Kohli types. The brash and ill behaved men  who are successful and they don’t have an ounce of manners.  To expect the next guy on a bike or in a car to be decent and a good man is difficult because their idols seem to be becoming abuse spewing , iron pumping , male ego driven brutes who think they are the best.
People want to blame the Television  and movie for the changed social interactions I blame people like Kohli who makes being aggressive and showing off his male ego as something to ape and somthing that gets you paid.
As I said I dislike Kohli and would really like to punch him in the face.  And if I ever came face to face I will tell him that he is a rude and uncultured little man with some talent but that doesn’t make him a sporting hero in my books.

THE END

EIGHTY THREE

It is important to connect with people. When I was younger I was proud of how many friends I had and how easily I could make friends. But by the time I hit my 30’s I slowly started to realise that not all those I thought were my friends were true. It wasn’t as if I was their first choice as a friend possibly I was just one of the fun people they hung out with.  I had many acquaintances but very few real friends. The real friends lasted years even decades didn’t need maintenance. Or so I thought. Friends need maintaining. Yes they do. Because no one likes to be taken for granted. Meeting them , talking to them , letting them know you are thinking about them are all part of this. When we wonder how we have grown apart from our friends or how friends who were so close to us seem to avoid us the answer is in this. We forget to call friends or talk to them relying mostly on fb or whatsapp which are not really a replacement of for a conversation or even a mail. We get so tied up with work that we often cancel meetings or keep postponing get togethers. Eventually we get so used to not catching up we stop needing our friends and vice versa.

The sad thing is when all this happening we don’t realise it and once the damage is done we are left wondering what went wrong. Recently I did some hard thinking and found myself drifting into an introvert’s shell. I started focusing on speaking to the few friends I have. I strongly feel that if my decade long friendships have to survive I must nourish them with my attention. Else I am afraid by the time the dreaded 40’s appear I will be left with no friends. 

As part for my  ex year resolution I am going to focus on meeting , talking and being in touch with the few precious friends I have. Friends are in my mind your guardian angels here on Earth. If you believe in that sort of thing. It is my firm belief that in order to have a healthy life having friends is important and I am too old to make new friends and I plan to hang onto the few I have. Here’s hoping they want me to hang onto them.

THE END